Viking lives by an ancient code of honor that we do not understand.
What code could that possibly be? Bothering the fucking shit out of people while being physically repulsive?
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Randomize
