she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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