either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
