my room smells like sperm. sweet.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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