I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
My penis needs a shock collar
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize
