Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
