Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
