A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
We are all done wearing pants today
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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