drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
My dick has a subreddit
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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