The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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