Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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