Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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