Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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