that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
