Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
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