Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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