You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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