I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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