Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Randomize
