Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
