No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
