your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
