My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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