She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
