Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
