I'm laying in your front yard are you home
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Terrible idea I love it
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
