Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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