Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
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