I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
