a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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