I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
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