Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
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We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
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What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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