We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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