is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Randomize
