I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Please don't give away my fajitas
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
