I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
