can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
