There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
