alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
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