is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
