And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I can't turn off my feet"
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
