Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
