Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
