After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
