Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
