I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
