Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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