First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
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"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
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Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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