I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
