are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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