I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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