I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
