please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
