Just fell off a train. Bad.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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