Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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