I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
